I don't want to be a wolf,but I like the taste of sheep.

I am going to just type some of Peter Hietts book--Dance Lessons for Zombie's Ch 15. The bold

"One morning I came to worship with a bucket of wet sheep poop and mud (not figurative but literal). I was giving the children's sermon.

I asked the kids, "would anyone like an apple?" Several hands went up. I said, "Oh, I'll make one." I reached into the bucket, grabbed a handful of goop, formed it into the shape of an apple, put a fake leaf on top, and handed it to my volunteers.

They didn't look pleased, so I said, "What's Wrong? Apples are made of sheep poop and dirt, aren't they?" They said, "No way!" I said, "Yeah way...I have a tree in my back yard. It takes sheep poop and dirt and turns them inot delicious apples...but, you know, this apple I made doesn't smell like those apples. I guess I'm not a very good tree, and that's a problem.

"The Bible says (written) we're supposed to bear fruit; that our good deeds are supposed to be like fruit. I think we normally just take our dirt and garbage and try to make apples, but that's not really apples, just apple shaped poop. We need a tree to turn dirt and poop into fruit.

"Jesus has a tree and is kind of like a tree. We give Him our dirt; He mixes it with light and turns it into fruit. That's why we confess our sins."

The Blog I wrote about losing my trophies was fruit from talking to Doug about my struggles and sins.

I really need a tree to take my wolfishness and turn it into fruit.

Peter then speaks a little about himself and the church and their fruit (good deeds, works, etc.).

Matthew 7:15-20: Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thorns, or figs from thistles? So, every sound tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears evil fruit. Asound tree cannot bear evil fruit, nor can a bad [rotten] tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown inot the fire. Thus you will know them by thier fruits.

(Hiett does point out that there is a big differnce between a jack ass in sheeps clothing and a wolf. So don't get hung up on the false prophet or start a witch hunt.)

"The last two churches where I worked were pastored by high-profile pastors residing over large budgets, big buildings , and extensive growth. At my church, we have a beautiful, new building, and at times we've seen dramatic growth.

Sometimes people will say, "Well, you must be doing something right, Peter. Just look at all these people!" I don't mean to be rude, but sometimes I'll answer, "Well, Hitler was pretty poplular too. And Hitler had a lot of converts." Is that fruit?

At bouth of my past churches, the senior pasters were living boldfaced lies and then couaght in sexual immorality. That's not good fruit.

But at my current church:

1. We don't only have a big crowd and new building, we have an Orthodox confession: "Lord,Lord."
2. We also have a remarkable prophetic ministry team, and people have told me I preach prophetically.
3. "We've cast out demons.
4. We've seen miracles, visions, and even some bona fide healings.

That's got to be some good fruit...from a good tree! Yet...Next verse:
Matthew 7:21-23: Not every one who says to me, "Lord, Lord," shall enter the kingdom of heaven. On that day many will say to me, "Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?" And then will I declare to them, "I never knew you; depart from me, you evil doers."

Yikes!

Maybe "lots of people"...
"a good confession"...
"prophecy"...
"casting out demons"...
"mighty workds in Jesus' name"...

maybe that's not the fruit Jesus is talking about.
Maybe it's not fruit at all.

In Galatians 5:22-23 Paul lists some "fruit"--the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace,patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control (that is, control of self or temperance).

Then Paul lists some "works of the flesh"--our self, our old sin nature: adultery, fornication, debauchery, idolatry, witchcraft...then hatred, strife, jealousy, anger, sefishness, dissension, factionalism, envy,drunkenness, orgies. He just lumps them all together, from envy to orgies, from witchcraft to selfishness.

Witchcraft is rather obvious, but gosh, you could build a church, write a book, run amission, and do "many mighty works" all out of selfishness, envy, or a competitive spirit. You could be, like, alive on the outside and dead on the inside...like a zombie...like a whitewashed tomb. Worse than dead on the inside , you could be a wolf on the inside.

I underlined alot of the works of the flesh that I see in my life.
Sheep on the outside, wolf on the inside---a Pharisee!
In Galatians 5, Paul argues that all those "works of the flesh" come from those under the law, those who "bite and devour one another" (those who compete and compare). Here in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus has been talking about Pharisees in Israel. In Galatians, Paul is talking about Pharisees in the church.

Well that is all for now. I wrote you more than I normally read at one time of his book. I like to stop and really think about what in the heck! is the fruit! and why am I so f*&%# up!

I am going to write more about this chapter in blogs to come.

matt.

I lost my Trophies.

About 7 months ago I could have told you what an amzing difference Jesus had made in my life and I would have proved it with my trophys. I had not drank or used drugs in almost 3 years. I had quit sleeping around. I quit selling drugs and started working at a bible school. I could cry again. I didn't use filthy language. I didn't watch certain movies and TV shows and I listened to almost all Christian music. I read my bible, prayed, fasted, tithed.......etc.

Well...I have lost my trophies. My righteousness. My good apples. You may look at my trophies like I look at a 8 foot tall nascar trophy. Ridiculous! Asinine!
But their mine and I have valued them.

I remember hanging out with a buddy of mine. He worked in a bar as a cook. I was looking for my trophies in his life. Because that is what we do. We look for the things we value in others. I think when we truly love others we value them.

(I don't want to burry myself here completely because I know that not all my intentions are rotten.)

BACK TO THE STORY. Now I am a cook in a bar and I have lost my trophies. I drink I smoke I don't pray much read my bible much I cuss I'm a "smartass" I am mean etc...and those are my righteousness, my filthy rags, my bad apples.

So what now is the evidence (that I so dearly cherished and relied on) of my faith.

This is what struck me. God's attonement. God's righteousness.
The things I do now, I still do as a christian. My salvation is not in question.
The judgement that I am now experiencing is exposing my idols.
The things that have dominated my imagination. The things that I carved with my own hands and ascribed value to save me are being exposed. I am eating humble pie.

And I want to thank MIU for making this bitterness sweet. (Rhubarb is bitter, but it is one of my favorites with Ice cream.) I told a few good friends this before I wrote this. Their words have been awesome. Their forgiveness, wisdom, and encouragement have been awesome. This blog was part of a creative solution to my boredom and consequent self destruction.

Thank you, love, matt.

Out of Africa

The itallicized portion below is from a commentary on the novel/movie "Out of Africa." I have tried to verify whether or not the Masai people die (as stated below) in prison. I have not been able to do so yet, although, I can tell you that the Masai people have very few cavities in their teeth about (.5%).

Dying at Will
Isak Dinesen frequently references her belief that native humans and even native animals can choose to die if they want. This trend is seen among the Masai, who die within three months if put in prison, with the stubborn ox whose leg a lion ate off, and with Kitosch who willed himself to die. The narrator also hopes that the giraffes bound for Hamburg will die, so they shall not be trapped in a German menagerie.

Dinesen's belief that natives can will themselves to die relies upon her belief of their essential nobility, as well as their harmonious connection to their surroundings. The Masai, for example, die in prison because they cannot live without their glorious plains. In the same way, the stubborn ox resists having his spirit broken and prefers death. Dinesen believes that death is a more valid alternative to being oppressed. She sees the native ability to die as a way they can maintain their freedom, no matter how much Europeans want to control them.
Dinesen's praise of willful death is slightly romantic. One can also suggest that it fails to fairly value the importance of a native life. Nevertheless, the motif extends from Dinesen's idea that Africa is a pastoral landscape, where its animals and peoples live in harmony with their surroundings and therefore cannot be without them.


The part that I really liked is death being a more valid alternative to being oppressed.
I have certainly felt that at times recently. My struggles usually come in the form of guilt and helplessness. My struggles are compounded by my way of fixing how I feel. Drinking and Drugs.
In Alcoholics Annonymous and Narcotics Annonymous they used to tell me that "Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable."

Well I feel helpless and trapped so I drink to fix it and at some point I feel more helpless and trapped. I like to call this Fixing problems with problems.

The stories of Peter and Judas are pretty good examples.
Both men messed up.Both turned their back on God Both wanted to make up forit.
I think that Judas tried to pay with guilt by hanging himself...hanging on to his guilt. (I cannot remember if it was Peter Hiett or Ryan Mohrman who spoke about this, but thats where you can find more developed ideas on paying with guilt and Judas.)
Then you have Peter.

I read an article a while ago on the cleansing rituals involved in Jewish offerings. The sin offering (chatat) is a very interesting one. If a clay pot was used for the sin offering it had to be smashed. Anything that touched the sin offering was made holy, but for some reason the pot still gets smashed. We are compared to Earthen vessels in the bible. Clay Pots. Judas and Peter both got smashed. They were both broken men. I do not know what will come of Judas, but we see Jesus loving and forgiving Peter. I think that Jesus did a redemptive work in both of these men's lives.

Bottom line. I really need Jesus. I have power in my life. Power to die for sure. But I want to live and I need Jesus to really live how I want to Live.

Some say don't use alcohol as a crutch. A comedian said "Crutches are a good thing they help people walk!" Another Comedian said alcohol can't be a crutch because "crutches help people walk!" Well either way I am getting tired of limping. I want a pastoral landscape where animals and people live in harmony with their surroundings and therefore cannot be without him.

love, matt.