A few moments without hope.

I just watched a documentary about the war in Iraq. It was called the ground truth.

I wrote down some ideas for this blog a month ago, I think, and have since forgotten what the notes I wrote were symbolic of. I remember a little bit about the title of this blog from the movie. It was something that one of the soldiers said that struck me.
It had to do with the rule of 3:

Among the simplest of human survival priorities are found in the Rule of Three:
Humans cannot survive more than three minutes without air (O2)
Humans cannot survive more than three hours exposed to extreme low-temperature
Humans cannot survive more than three days without water (H20)
Humans cannot survive more than three weeks without food[citation needed]


My friend hooker told me a story about his step dad the other day. His step dad did 20 years flat in prison for bank robbery. He had a car that he had put a stolen corvette engine and tranny in and out-ran all the cops except for one undercover cop in a old charger. The cops rammed them and started shooting at them. The rammed them a second time at which point hookers-s.dad's brother started shooting back with a 12 guage through the broken window the police had shot out. They did not try to ram them a third time. At 150 mph or so they topped a hill and ran into a road block. They swerved off into a ditch where hookers step dad immediately grabbed his trusty 38...put it in his mouth...and pulled the trigger. CLICK...The gun had never misfired before, but at that moment instead of killing himself he lived. Hooker told me that everything happens for a reason. His stepdad spent the next 20 years in prison. During that time he killed three men. (This was before you could catch a case while in prison I was told.) I asked Hooker if his step dad thought it happened for a reason. Hooker said that his stepdad seems to not care if he had lived or died that day. He seems to just take one day at a time. Hooker did tell me that he would try to slip some questions in for me next time they see eachother. I want to know if he lost hope the day he was arrested, and if he ever got it back?

God used jail to save me, but there were some dark days. I have been suicidal in jail, I have been suicidal in my backyard, I was suicidal in the 3rd grade....my dad was for most of his life too. Inherited hopelessness is a tangent. I guess I had hope ,somewhere, that my present situation would not always be that way. I actually had a probation officer that gave me great hope. She simply said..Matt you don't have a death wish, YOU have a life wish. She showed me that the reason I did the things I did was to feel alive more than to destroy myself. That gave me hope. A new perspective that I wasn't really looking for death, but for life. I was Just searching for life in the wrong ways. I still go about it in the wrong ways, but today I am looking for life.



Gotta go to work...see yall later.

other notes: intrusive thoughts, fish out of water, the ground truth, meth billboard "don't have to die to lose your soul."