I'm just burning

I was driving around a couple nights ago. I had planned a guys night out, but every one had something come up. So it was just me. I thought about going by myself, but riding through the woods by moonlight only could result in head injury in which case I would need another person. To be honest it just did not sound fun anymore.

So I was just driving around...

I put in some morrisey and cold war kids and drove around and sang. I went to 2 different movie stores and got nothing. I had the heat cranked up the windows down and the music was loud. There were some great smells in the air that night. The smells only made me burn inside more. They were fanning into flame things from falls past and states past through and all kinds of emotions were welling up in me.

I went home. Sarah was feeling settled in and cozy that night. I was restless. I could not get comfortable. So I started putting the fire out. I drank some beers. I only had 4 and they really affected me. I think my mind was playing tricks on me. I think my mind wanted the fire out too.

I had planned the moonlight ride on a full moon. I walked out my front door and walked down to the crack in the walkway, turned to face the house, took two steps to the right and looked up at the moon through a whole in the tree branches. I wanted to howl at the moon, but I was afraid of the neighbors. So I repressed that too.

I think that if we don't let the fire out we just burn. I think that it is more natural for us to put the fire out than to find the right place for it to do what it is made for. I think that the emotions are fuel for that fire. Kind of like when you really care for a person and you burn for that relationship and something happens that makes you FEEL, whether good or bad, when the flame and that emotion meet their is an explosion.

When Sarah and I are struggling in our relationship with eachother I often find myself day dreaming about killing and destroying everything that I percieve that she loves more than me. I don't like it, but I am realizing that I am not the only one who does this either. I love her (fire) and I hate (emotion) things that come between us. Unfortunately the explosions don't draw her to me.

There was an episode of scrubs in which JD is drinking espresso with a biker gang. He says "use your words war-lord"
I need to remember that. I have got to find some healthy expressions of my fire. Not put it out. Not hide it under a bushell. And to make sure that the explosions don't blow apart what I love.